Burger Joints

Wow, how do we narrow this one down? There are as many places that serve these standbys of American cuisine as there are opinions at a Health Care Town Meeting! No politics here, though, except the politics of food. I proudly present the best places in Utah to bite into some beef:

1. In-N-Out Burger
OK, this exists only in St. George for now but is on its way - finally! - to Northern Utah. Guess we'll have to come up with a new excuse to go to Vegas now that we can get our fix here, but that shouldn't be too difficult to do:) Double Double with cheese, and I strongly suggest grilled onions as a topper. Course, you could always make it "Animal Style", the not-so-secret secret order: pickles, extra sauce, grilled onions, and mustard fried into each patty. Regardless of how you like 'em, they taste amazing. I'm not even sure you could classify the patty as beef, since this burger seems to have some sort of otherworldly quality which causes it to melt right into your tastebuds upon contact, seemingly not requiring chewing so much as allowing it to just become a part of you. Mmmmm. Only caveat here: the shoestring-style fries are just OK, and unlike the burgers can be inconsistent from location to location. But we're rating burgers, and I say that California has been greedy with this chain for long enough. Bring it on!
2. Five Guys Burgers & Fries
This Baltimore-area transplant started serving em up last year, and has immediately made its mark. No drive-thru. You have to get off your lazy rear end and go inside people! It's worth the short trip. Upon entering, you will notice a few things. First, you will see bags of potatoes for making fries stacked everywhere. These are not just decorations, they actually use these. Second, there are little paper trays into which you can put peanuts. Like, in-the-shell peanuts, which are of course addictive to much on while you wait for your food. But please wait until after you have ordered to grab them. No one likes to look at a slob eating their peanuts in line. Third, you will hear a lot of yelling. That is the staff, who do not believe in intercoms and instead prefer to yell your order number throughout the restaurant. It's kinda cool, actually.
OK, the food. Their name pretty much says it: Burgers and Fries (plus a small selection of hot dogs if you are a pansy and are scared of a burger). Oh, and a regular burger is a double, so if you are not very hungry order the "Little Burger" if you can live with saying that with a straight face. All joking aside, the Little Burger is not little, just one patty instead of two. The burgers are fantastic. Were it not for In-N-Out's burger this place would easily be #1. Trust me, this is better than anything you can grill up at home. Choose from 16 free toppings to put on your burger, which is always fresh because Five Guys never freezes ANY of their food. And the best part? The burgers aren't even the star of the show. That distinction belongs to the fries, which are quite simply the best fries I've ever had. Thick cut, skin-on, and made from Idaho potatoes, they may just be the perfect fry. Order a regular unless you have a LOT of mouths to feed, because the regular is really big, and the large is just ginormous. Cool fact: Ginormous is now a recognized word by the Merriam-Webster dictionary. That makes me laugh probably more than it should! Anyway, back to the fries. They rock. I know we are rating burgers here but get some fries when you go here or you may insult the food gods who will probably then proceed to give you Botulism. OK, time to move on because this post is bordering on ridiculous. Just go and enjoy this place.
3. Cotton Bottom Inn
See that nice big fancy restaurant that looks like a chateau and has valet parking? That's called Tuscany. Go just west of that and turn in to a little dive bar. Don't worry that it looks unsavory, the people here are actually quite nice and just happen to possess a legendary Garlic Burger. Don't overthink it. Walk in, sit down, order the legend that this place has been serving up since, well, way before yours truly was born. While you are contemplating Garlic Burger nirvana, enjoy the faded signs of Bugs Bunny that adorn the place (Cotton Bottom, get it?) and see if the waitress can't rustle you something to drink. I'm sure they can oblige :)
4. Crown Burger
I have two words for you: Pastrami Burger. This thing is so good the New York Times wrote about it! The burger and bun by themselves would be worth ordering, but don't you dare get one here without pastrami. It amounts to sacrilege around these parts. Just enjoy the juicy pastrami which is good enough that it could probably sneak its way into a New York deli or two without anyone noticing the difference. Not bad for a bunch of Greek guys!
5. Salt City Burger Company
Two of the women in my life would vehemently disagree with this ranking. My wife, whose stomach did not take a liking to this place, would probably advise me to take it off entirely. My sister, on the other hand, will be outraged that it is not #1. I think it works nice right here. This is more of a gourmet burger place. The meat is very good on its own. Really flavorful. Then come the toppings, which sadly will cost you extra (one reason why this is not ranked higher). Toppings are great though. Of course bacon, blue cheese, and sauteed mushrooms are available, but that is only the tip of the iceberg. I'd like to point you to the carmelized grilled onions, which can overwhelm the whole thing but that's OK because they taste like candy. No joke, they're delicious. You can also get avocado slices, fresh guacamole, onion rings, pastrami, pineapple, or chili. OK, random thought. Did you know that when you rearrange the letters in "pineapple" you get "ape nipple"? You just tried that, didn't you! Sicko. I can't take credit for that discovery, but it's a great story (thanks, Sara!)
Anyway, they also have sweet potato fries on the menu which is a plus, and they will let you go half and half with any combo of regular fries, sweet potatoes, and onion rings. Kind of nice for indecisive chaps like me.
Honorable Mention
Lots of places to narrow down to five, so here are some others worth trying: Fat's Grill & Pool, The Counter (neat idea, but too many options), JCW's, Triple Prime Burger at Ruby Tuesday, and, as much as it pains me cause I hate this place, The Surf & Turf Burger at Applebee's.